karawynn

Thu, 01 May 2008 00:42:58 GMT

I heard about the (poorly-named) Open Source Boob Project because a friend posted to her LJ about it with a level of mouth-frothing that startled me. I came to it a day or two after the initial post, after the poster had already added certain salient details that were apparently missing from his original description. So I do not have a true measure of what my response would have been if I’d first seen only the original, as many people did.

As it was, on first reading I had a very mild response. I had a moment of identification with the author, as one high-school geek outcast to another. And I had a moment of discomfort and pity at the description of the girl who hesitantly asked whether her breasts were ‘good enough to touch’. Otherwise, I was pretty shrug about the whole thing. Knowing myself, I doubt I would have felt much more strongly before the revision began.

Here’s one explanation: I don’t tend to make judgments about people and circumstances unless I have a great deal of firsthand information plus some correlating secondhand data. I don’t say that from a horse of any particular height; it’s just what makes sense to me. If I know a person well, I will usually have a filter whereby I interpret things she says based on my understanding of her particular psychology. Anything related by a complete stranger gets a fairly Spock-like response: “Fascinating.” Judgment remains in indefinite superposition. I am certainly not the sort of person to respond with rage over an event for which I was not present and where I know none of the participants. Rage for me is a very personal response, on behalf of myself or someone else I know and care about.

Here’s another: Unless the speaker is someone I know from personal experience is an unreliable narrator, I tend to take everything he says at face value. Someone says ‘This happened, and it was good,’ and I assume that’s true until and unless evidence to the contrary presents itself. (And by ‘presents’ I mean ‘smacks me repeatedly upside the head’.) I am particularly trusting of people’s self-assessments; if someone tells me, ‘I am this way, and this,’ I typically accept it without question. She has to regularly and consistently behave otherwise before I will adjust my filter away from her stated self-assessment.

Both of these things are true. The former strikes me as a good place to be; the latter is dangerously naive, and has bitten me in the ass more times than I can count. I need to stop it.

For the better part of a week, now, I’ve been thoroughly — perhaps even obsessively — reading spinoffs from the original post ... comments and posts and comments to the posts and comments to the comments ad infinitum. A certain percentage of them are crap, but a surprising number are thoughtful and eloquent and resonant.

Periodically, I’ve also gone back and reread the original post. And what’s interesting to me (“Fascinating.”) is how my feelings about it have changed over these several days. I am still holding to the non-judgment regarding the original participants and circumstances. But I now read those same words and flinch, repeatedly, in places that didn’t affect me before. It’s like I had been wearing heavy woolen gloves, and now I’m touching it with my bare skin.

I’ve also been thinking a lot. Not so much about the OSBP per se, but about my own experiences: of being female in this time and place, of bodies and sex and more.

I believe I have learned some things this week, and been reminded of some others I’d forgotten. My mind is roiling with it all, even in sleep.

I would go into more detail, but I am about to spend ten whole days sans both internet and computer. Perhaps I’ll be able to gather my thoughts into something coherent when I return.

let down your

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 04:53:17 GMT

We had a pair of free movie passes that expired in two days, so headed out to see Forbidden Kingdom tonight.

OH MY GOD I WANT PREHENSILE KUNG FU RAPUNZEL HAIR.

That is all.

my skin is incomplete

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:44:47 GMT

O gurus of LiveJournal, how do I make it so that single-entry pages maintain the overall journal template instead of the default look? Or is that a paid-account-only feature?

wall-eyed

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 03:44:34 GMT

About this time last year, after replacing ten windows and a sliding door, we began eyeing Major Project Number Two, which was taking down the wall between the kitchen and the living room, thereby opening up enough space that we could seat more than three people for dinner at a time. (This house is a bit odd in its space allocation ... you’d think that anything with five bedrooms would have room for at least that many people to sit and eat, but no.)

So I found a structural engineer, had him out to the house; he looked it over and pronounced it not load-bearing, and shortly afterward Jak and I commenced wall destruction.

Got most of the drywall peeled off (unearthing a mess of old plumbing in the process — I am baffled as to its original use) before we discovered that the beam at the top did not extend the length of the wall, despite outward appearances. Engineer then wondered why the roof hadn’t fallen in already, and told us we need to install a massive beam across the width of the room.

Off to find a contractor, who came out and gave us a bid for over six thousand dollars, making the project an order of magnitude more expensive than we’d expected.

Ouch.

Well, having very recently laid down nearly $10K for the windows, we did not have another six to put towards this. Plus it was summer, and finding contractors who even had time to answer their phones was tough, much less ones who’d come out and bid. So here we sat, with the half-destroyed wall ...

I had surgery in August, leaving me mobility-impaired for several months ... then Christmas and kids’ January birthdays ... what with one thing and another it was early March before I finally started researching contractors again.

Last week, more than eleven months after we began this saga, the wall was finally fully removed. (We managed to shave about a fourth off the initial $6K bid, though we lost the best deal while waiting for a third quote. Once the weather turns nice, the good contractors get snapped up in a hurry.)

And now we have space! Jak and I have been known to stand in the ex-wall spot and dance, we’re so happy to have it gone. The paint job needs to be completely redone, and the floor — I want to match the oak floor into the kitchen if we can afford it, or maybe bamboo if not — but these are aesthetic details, not functional ones. In May we’re going to get a dining table that seats six to eight, and assorted other furniture, and then we can actually begin to invite people into our home.

Here’s a tip for anyone redecorating: www.findyourfurniture.com has a pretty good free Flash-based room planner. More photos and a screenshot of my floorplan reside on Flickr.

beautifully wrong

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 15:48:15 GMT

Yes, those are tulips. Yes, that is snow. Yes, this is April. No, I have no explanation.

hobby incoming

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 17:19:52 GMT

Jak just gave the thumbs-up on buying a new camera prior to our Mexico trip. This is likely to fix two of my biggest problems taking photos with our current camera (a model in the same line from 2003): the interminable millennia between shots, and the blurriness from having arms instead of tripods. I am excited!

The third problem I have with our current camera is that it has a bazillion options and I never RTFMed. This will also be true with the new camera, if not moreso. But I have several days in which I have nothing much scheduled but lying around on a beach and learning the camera. If I can manage not to spill margarita on it, we should be good ...

And then my Flickr account will actually get some use!

karawynn the spy

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 16:55:09 GMT

The single moment I remember most clearly from my first grade year is when my teacher handed me a library copy of Harriet the Spy and told me that I should read it because I reminded him of her. (The fact that my first-grade teacher was a man was astonishing for Texas in the seventies, where teaching prior to high school was very much a female-only profession.)

At seven I looked a lot like Harriet in the original illustrations: super-straight blond hair in a bob cut, heavy dark-rimmed glasses. And like Harriet, I was precocious, an only child, deeply introspective, and socially clueless. I desperately needed to learn the things Harriet does about how to get along with other people, but I don’t think they really sunk in until years later. But something about the book, and the gesture, meant enough to stick with me for thirty years and more.

I would search online for my first-grade teacher just to thank him for giving me Harriet, but sadly there’s not a snowball’s chance: his name was John Smith.

NPR tribute to Harriet the Spy

patio chat

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 01:10:29 GMT

Look, an unlocked work post!

I just spent about an hour and a half at a work ‘patio party’ drinking surprisingly decent chardonnay and talking to a couple of my female coworkers with whom I don’t otherwise interact. And I had a shockingly good time. We had more experiences and attitudes in common than I would have imagined possible, considering our very different superficial self-presentations. I'm all cheerful now.

I need to spend more social time, I really do. Considering that talking to other people* is really one of my favorite things in the world, I don’t do it enough.

* or at least, the subset of other people who are interesting and not assholes.

bankruptcy

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:20:09 GMT

Dear Frontier,

In exactly three weeks I expect to be on one of your planes en route to our long-awaited Mexican Beach Vacation. Do not, DO NOT, fuck this up for us.

Thanks.
Karawynn

invert

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 18:37:06 GMT

˙˙˙ ʞɔıɹʇ s,ןooɟ ןıɹdɐ ʇɐǝɹƃ ɐ uǝǝq ǝʌɐɥ pןnoʍ sıɥʇ

chewy

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 17:49:23 GMT

Two things I’ve seen recently and am eager to discuss in depth with more than just Jak:

Hard Candy
Big Love season 2

Any takers?

logic, captain?

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 10:18:57 GMT

I just took the “Logical Thinking” quiz on OkCupid, and scored 100%, which I confess pleases me, given how much I value the ability to think logically.

However, I am dogged by the knowledge that it could just have easily been 93%, as I was only able to calculate 14 of the 15 questions. I finally gave up and made a slightly-educated guess for the other, and apparently I was correct. But the test did not offer answers or explanations at the end, dammit! Which means my brain is still gnawing away at the problem. Arrrgh.

Here’s the question that vexed me. If you Get It, please explain.

Each number shown below follows a certain rule. Figure out the rule and fill in the missing number.

August: 9 June: 6 October: 12 September: ?

Possible answers: 3, 12, 16, 18

on being a cat

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 20:53:03 GMT

How to Be a Cat
by Sammy, Age 3

Your most important duty is to hold vigil anytime one of the people turns on the water in the tub. Sometimes it will fall from the top and they will stand in it; sometimes it will fall from the bottom and collect in the hole while they sit in it. In either case, the moment you hear water running into the tub, you must immediately stop everything and run to the scene. Should the door be fully closed, preventing entry, cry loudly outside the door until someone opens it for you. Crouch on the side of the tub until the people are finished and have safely exited the room. Dozing is permitted.

At night, when the lights go off and the people suddenly disappear, cry forlornly until they call to remind you that they’re in the bedroom, just like every other single night since you arrived.

The best sleeping spot is under the covers, at the foot of the bed, between the people’s feet. The second-best sleeping spot is on top of the covers, at the foot of the bed. Move between these two spots as frequently as necessary for maximum comfort.

Anytime a door is opened, attempt to exit the house. The people will not want you to leave, so you will have to be tricky. The best strategy is to show up when the dog is about to be let outside and hide underneath the dog’s belly as she runs out.

Once you are outside, become overwhelmed by the sheer limitless possibilities and freeze about four feet from the door. Submit meekly when the people pick you up and put you back inside.

If the dog gets to go somewhere, you should also. It’s only fair. If the people take the dog and leave you behind, wail in heartbroken despair until they return.

The male person’s chin requires constant grooming. There is nothing so satisfying as a raspy tongue against beard stubble. Rapture.

When a person pats or scritches a surface and calls you by name, appear to consider your options for at least ten seconds before you jump up. If you are too quick to respond, they won’t respect you.

Except when yummy smelly food is involved, in which case you may abandon all pretense of dignity.

If you are hungry and the food spot is empty, do not whine and complain. Instead, remind the people that you are the bestest, most lovingest feline in the whole world. You love them soooo much, no feline in the history of felines has ever loved any people more.

The two smaller female people will vanish for days or even weeks, then suddenly show up and act like they live here. Express your discomfort with this constant state of change by peeing on their sleeping places. The people will not like this and will close the doors to those rooms, but if you are vigilant, eventually one will forget to latch it completely. Continue to express your discomfort at every opportunity until the smaller people either stay put or leave altogether. It may take years, but persist and victory shall be yours.

Allow the dog to chew on your head. It’s the most amusement the poor thing gets while the people are gone all day.

Watch the tiny red dot that skitters along the floor or wall like a bug. Chase and attempt to catch it. After many failed attempts, realize that it is a trick. Notice that the people are holding a small metal thing in their hands whenever the red dot appears. Act bored and refuse to fall for such an obvious deception.

If the male person is in the office you’re in luck, because then you can lie under the warm light on his desk. If there is not enough room to fit in the warm light spot, drape yourself across the keyboard until he makes space for you.

Bottle caps are great fun to bat around on a slick floor. Especially when you’re awake and bored in the middle of the night. Also, tromping on sleeping people's heads may provide some amusement, at least until one of them gets up and shuts you in the bathroom.

Later, when a person releases you from the bathroom, remind them that you are the bestest, most lovingest feline in the whole world. You love them soooo much, no feline in the history of felines has ever loved any people more.

Sometimes — often while lying at night with your people, perhaps while licking the male person’s chin — you may be overcome by a feeling of warmth and benevolence, such that mere purring is insufficient to express. In this case, you may also convey your bliss by noisily chewing at the air. Strangely, the people do not always seem to appreciate this behavior, the poor ignorant things.

If you’re cold or lonely during the day when the people aren’t around, cuddle with the dog. She’s a little bony, but it's better than nothing.

Boxes are made for sitting in. That’s all.

200 random things

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 18:13:27 GMT

Horked from urlgirl and tommx , my version of the 200 Things meme. Bold/green I've done, orange I would like to do.

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game (coulda passed on this one)
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables (need to do this more)
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby’s diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (can you believe that some people don’t think sex is funny?)
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip (assuming midnight = nighttime, we weren’t precise)
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days (can someone teach me how to do this?)
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Been rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your music collection
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Gone scuba diving
75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites (give me another month ... Mayan pyramids in my future)
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honor of a woman (this is not going to happen, but the idea is all kinds of win.)
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten engaged (hahaha silly me)
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten married
96. Had sex at the office (made out, though)
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Gotten divorced
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything (only once, never again)
108. Taken illegal drugs
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas (we won't count the airport)
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents (I guess oranging this would be harsh, eh?)
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off (only once, never again)
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check (overdrafted, does that count?)
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read and understood your credit report
126. Raised children (still working on it)
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars (not officially, of course.)
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did (depending on your definition of 'significant')
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...More than once? More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds (aieee! that would very nearly vanish me altogether)
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone’s heart
146. Helped an animal give birth (not ‘help’ so much as ‘observe’; she was doing fine)
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone (only my littlest toe!)
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle (not by myself)
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing (I wish!)
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states (this would mean adding 40+ countries ... I don't think I'll make it)
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground (how weirdly specific)
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper (for the right reason of course)
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about (... not sure. maybe?)
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school (if taking individual classes without pursuing a degree counts)
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach (...)
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. …and gotten 86′ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt (I suspect so, but can′t think of a specific occasion yet)
187. Skipped all your school reunions (so far, so good ...)
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (knowing ASL makes this almost a cheat)
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts (with a little help from my friends)
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair (only once, never again)
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

More than anything, this makes me want to create my own (probably shorter) list to pass around!

imposing order

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 22:35:38 GMT

One of Jak’s most endearing traits is the way that he approaches any major project. If he’s going to cook something (sadly, for Jak anything more than microwave heating is a rare and significant event) he has to make sure the entire kitchen is spotless before he so much as preheats an oven. I kid him about it, but I am in no way inclined to discourage spontaneous cleaning, even if means an extra hour of stomach growls.

Since we’d agreed that this weekend we would tackle the taxes, I was amused but unsurprised when he started on Saturday by cleaning and organizing his side of the office. A non-trivial effort, that, as we both had mountain ranges of unfiled paperwork piled around — and, courtesy of the Sammycat, spilling off of — our desks.

You ever see post-tornado photos where one building is splintered and a building right next to it is untouched? That was the state of our office by Saturday afternoon. I mock-complained: “Dude, you’re making me look bad.”

I could say I was inspired, but really it was more like embarrassment that led me to buckle down on Sunday and, for several painful hours, follow suit. My biggest victory lay in recognizing that a filing system which I only use about twice a year, under duress, is NOT WORKING, and in devising a simpler alternative which I sincerely hope will allow me to file-as-I-go, avoiding (or at least postponing) the tornado-alley scenario. (I still expect to have trouble with the occasional odd item that doesn’t fit into any preconceived category, which is why the last twenty percent of any filing flurry is always the most frustrating.)

Meanwhile, Jak started in on the taxes. Our current division of labor has me paying all the bills and handling the regular finances, but he has to cope with the annual accounting of our mostly-dormant multi-business partnership. ‘Excruciating’ is really too gentle a descriptor for that task — I know, because it used to be mine.

We didn’t finish, but we got far enough with our respective calculations that I’m confident we will not, collectively, owe the government any more money. Woohoo! We have been holding several thousand extra dollars liquid just in case, because last year Jak sold the rental house he co-owned with Seana, and we had no idea how badly the capital gains would hit us.

So while I’m turning mental cartwheels about putting that several thousand back into play (remodeling! retirement!), Jak is agitating about his negative four-digit number, despite the fact that my positive four-digit number is more than enough to compensate. I keep reminding him that it’s all the same pot o’ money, but there is a clear psychological need for him to personally come out with a refund. It’s a great racket, how the government has managed to make us all irrationally happy for the opportunity to give them large interest-free loans.

Anyway, by next weekend we’ll sit down and run some alternate scenarios to make sure we get the largest possible refund. (Our situation is much like this one; I think we’ll end up dividing it the way she does, but we’re going to run the numbers all ways to be certain.) I’ll be proud if we manage to send the forms off a full week before the deadline, as we are both world-class procrastinators.

in a bottle

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 23:59:31 GMT

The problem with this whole ‘writing’ thing is that it takes time. I keep trying to find some, and failing. Bah.

identity crisis

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 05:01:46 GMT

Sad but true: I am thirty-eight years old and I’ve never had a passport. I have left the country, but just barely, and only back in the old days, when the government would let you mosey a ways north or south without a bar code tattooed on your forehead.

For over a decade now I’ve regularly acknowledged to all and sundry that yes, I should get a passport, so I at least have the option to travel, if not the time and/or money. I have also managed to completely avoid making any actual progress in that direction. Last month I forced my own hand, by purchasing nonrefundable plane tickets to another country. Okay, it’s only Mexico, but it’s a part of Mexico that isn’t walking distance from the U.S. border, which is a big step for me.

The reason for my procrastination: fear of bureaucratic smackdown.

For anyone that doesn’t know, ‘Karawynn Long’ is not in any part the name I was born with. I changed my last name with a court order in 1991, but kept my original first name (Karen) in a foolish attempt to make the transition easier on my father, with whom I still had a relationship at the time. Except it didn’t seem to upset him any less, and the ensuing complications were definitely Not Worth It.

Those included three years (1992-1995) spent wrangling the change of my first and middle names on all government documents without an official piece of paper, which was no small task. Legally, you have every right to change your name simply by using another name, as long as you have no intent to defraud. Practically speaking, it’s a dead stupid struggle. I don’t recommend it unless you are possessed of infinite patience, charm, and stubbornness. I was frequently working with only one of the three.

The drivers’ license was the last to go, in 1995. Coincidentally, the relationship with my father only made it a few months past that.

I’ve always hoped that I would, with logic and a battery of alternate documentation, be able to convince a passport agent to use what is in fact my legal name, even without a certified piece of paper to precisely that effect. This hope was dashed on Monday as I realized that passport applications are only accepted by implacable intermediaries who have no authority to bend the rules, and there was no way I could speak to a person with actual decision-making power in the matter. I would have more luck sweet-talking a drink out of a soda machine.

Which is how on Tuesday morning I came to be sitting in a county courtroom waiting for a judge to affirm that I am indeed me.

It was technically simple, and emotionally difficult. The intermediate stages really did feel like my identity was being invalidated, or something equally dramatic. Signing a document as ‘Karen Long’ felt like bad forgery. The only time I ever use cursive is in my signature; I print everything else. After sixteen years the K-a-r-a is as automatic as breathing, and I literally could not make my hand sign K-a-r-e instead. I had every conscious intention, but my hand wrote ‘a’ instead and then stuttered and flailed.

I’d just like to take a moment to send some extra-swell karma to the court clerk who asked the judge to invert protocol and handle my thirty-second civil procedure first, instead of making me sit through umpteen hours of criminal trials. It really was just that fast: do you solemnly swear, I do, by the power vested in me, amen. Or something like that. Back out to the window to fork over $110 and voila: I am me.

Sometime in the next month or so I should receive a passport for Karawynn Long, sporting the single worst photo I’ve ever had on a government ID, along with my stack of birth certificate / name change / name change papers. I’ve already decided that I will then pay the state of Texas to change the name of my birth certificate on file. Neat little way of rewriting history, that ... and then even if I lose my paper trail, I won't ever have to go through this again.

I am nearly exultant in anticipation.

filters

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 20:29:18 GMT

I am starting to put up eyes-only posts. If you're reading this and would like to be considered for access to one or more of my friends filters, throw a comment below.

Caveat: If I don't add you, it's not a judgment; I'm just a lot more cautious about what I say to whom these days, and prefer to err on the side of safety with people I don't know well. If I come to know you better, I may change my mind. :)

connections

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:41:37 GMT

Okay, this is starting to be fun. :) LJ is waaaaay more usable than the last time I tried posting, back in what, 2003? And the insta-community aspect is nifty. Nice to see various old friends and acquaintances pop up in addition to the ones with whom I’ve maintained more regular contact. I do like the feeling that people are listening and responding ... I’ve never been interested in just talking to myself.

Aside from this tentative venture, I’m also sending some individual pings out to people from my past. Not quickly — I’m managing about one per week — but making a deliberate effort to reach out to people who’ve meant something to me (and who might not mind hearing from me again). I just got a reply from one of my high school friends, which is farther back than I usually go.

Which in turn got me to doing the math and realizing that my high school graduation was twenty years ago this coming May. Zomg. After careful deliberation I decided to pass on my ten-year reunion; I now have to consider whether there’s any point in the twenty.

But anyway. Hello all. It’s nice to be back. :)

userpic

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 06:10:35 GMT

tommx applauded my new userphoto; for the record, it’s a shot taken by my computer camera last November. I always look better in greyscale, for some reason. And after a mild Photoshop filter to blend the skin tones. <cough>

I just wish I could turn off the per-entry photos on my own LJ; it’s already getting a bit repetitive.

who would believe

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 02:08:02 GMT

... that any test would peg me as ‘normal’?

Your Social Dysfunction: Normal
Being average in terms of how social you are, as well as the amount of self-esteem you have, you're pretty much normal. Good on you.

unearthing

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 01:57:53 GMT

urlgirl told me to write more. No context to speak of, no parameters, just ... ‘write more.’ A few days later, here I am digging up the old LJ, which has never really been more than a placeholder for reading other people’s stuff. Will this be the spot? Don't know yet. The privacy issue seems handled well enough here; now if they just had a tool to improve my attention span ...