on being a cat
How to Be a Cat
by Sammy, Age 3
Your most important duty is to hold vigil anytime one of the people turns on the water in the tub. Sometimes it will fall from the top and they will stand in it; sometimes it will fall from the bottom and collect in the hole while they sit in it. In either case, the moment you hear water running into the tub, you must immediately stop everything and run to the scene. Should the door be fully closed, preventing entry, cry loudly outside the door until someone opens it for you. Crouch on the side of the tub until the people are finished and have safely exited the room. Dozing is permitted.
At night, when the lights go off and the people suddenly disappear, cry forlornly until they call to remind you that they’re in the bedroom, just like every other single night since you arrived.
The best sleeping spot is under the covers, at the foot of the bed, between the people’s feet. The second-best sleeping spot is on top of the covers, at the foot of the bed. Move between these two spots as frequently as necessary for maximum comfort.
Anytime a door is opened, attempt to exit the house. The people will not want you to leave, so you will have to be tricky. The best strategy is to show up when the dog is about to be let outside and hide underneath the dog’s belly as she runs out.
Once you are outside, become overwhelmed by the sheer limitless possibilities and freeze about four feet from the door. Submit meekly when the people pick you up and put you back inside.
If the dog gets to go somewhere, you should also. It’s only fair. If the people take the dog and leave you behind, wail in heartbroken despair until they return.
The male person’s chin requires constant grooming. There is nothing so satisfying as a raspy tongue against beard stubble. Rapture.
When a person pats or scritches a surface and calls you by name, appear to consider your options for at least ten seconds before you jump up. If you are too quick to respond, they won’t respect you.
Except when yummy smelly food is involved, in which case you may abandon all pretense of dignity.
If you are hungry and the food spot is empty, do not whine and complain. Instead, remind the people that you are the bestest, most lovingest feline in the whole world. You love them soooo much, no feline in the history of felines has ever loved any people more.
The two smaller female people will vanish for days or even weeks, then suddenly show up and act like they live here. Express your discomfort with this constant state of change by peeing on their sleeping places. The people will not like this and will close the doors to those rooms, but if you are vigilant, eventually one will forget to latch it completely. Continue to express your discomfort at every opportunity until the smaller people either stay put or leave altogether. It may take years, but persist and victory shall be yours.
Allow the dog to chew on your head. It’s the most amusement the poor thing gets while the people are gone all day.
Watch the tiny red dot that skitters along the floor or wall like a bug. Chase and attempt to catch it. After many failed attempts, realize that it is a trick. Notice that the people are holding a small metal thing in their hands whenever the red dot appears. Act bored and refuse to fall for such an obvious deception.
If the male person is in the office you’re in luck, because then you can lie under the warm light on his desk. If there is not enough room to fit in the warm light spot, drape yourself across the keyboard until he makes space for you.
Bottle caps are great fun to bat around on a slick floor. Especially when you’re awake and bored in the middle of the night. Also, tromping on sleeping people's heads may provide some amusement, at least until one of them gets up and shuts you in the bathroom.
Later, when a person releases you from the bathroom, remind them that you are the bestest, most lovingest feline in the whole world. You love them soooo much, no feline in the history of felines has ever loved any people more.
Sometimes — often while lying at night with your people, perhaps while licking the male person’s chin — you may be overcome by a feeling of warmth and benevolence, such that mere purring is insufficient to express. In this case, you may also convey your bliss by noisily chewing at the air. Strangely, the people do not always seem to appreciate this behavior, the poor ignorant things.
If you’re cold or lonely during the day when the people aren’t around, cuddle with the dog. She’s a little bony, but it's better than nothing.
Boxes are made for sitting in. That’s all.
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
karawynn) wrote,
amused
